My neighbours Carol and Sandra run a company called Total Defense. They teach self defense to girls and women. Much of these workshops are in high schools.

At the beginning of this school year, in one of the sessions, a Grade 12 student raised her hand just as Carol was introducing the first session and said something like "I'm a lesbian, how does this course pertain to me?".  Of course Carol explained that anyone can be an attacker - men or women - so it's important for everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, culture, etc. to be able to protect themselves. 
   
Three things come up for me in this story, which is why I wanted to share it.
  
1. It was a good question.
2. Thankfully this student is comfortable enough to be out and ask it.
3. Carol didn't miss a beat. 
  
Egale Canada's recent report on Homophobia in Canadian schools suggests that 75% of LGBT students feel safe in at lest one place at school, and hear homophobic comments every day in school. In that kind of environment, this student would likely not have asked her question, and maybe she would have tuned out, figuring it wasn't important for her to learn since she dates girls.
Violence occurs in many forms. While we may typically assume that women should take self defense classes in case they are attacked by a man, it is also possible to be attacked by another woman. Being aware of and challenging assumptions like these helps us to be vigilant.
Sometimes teenagers ask questions just to get a rise out of instructors and teachers.  With anyone else this session could have gone horribly wrong. But Carol is on top of her game. It was a good question. She had a great answer. And talking about it probably gave the students something more to think about. Which is what good instructors do.

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© Annemarie Shrouder 2010
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This evening I attended a networking event and panel discussion. The topic was how LGBT women navigate heterosexism in the corporate world. The 4 speakers were all dynamic, accomplished business women. However only one of them addressed the topic. One wasn't LGB or T, and the other two shared their stories of how and why they came out at work, and the implications.

Don't get me wrong. We need allies and they are important. Sharing our stories is also important - it helps us to understand each other better. But I can't help but wonder at what is left out of conversations when we focus on our coming out stories.

While it is true that each coming out story has, as it's context, heterosexism and homophobia (or else we wouldn't spend so much energy deciding if and when and how and to whom to come out) - these usually form the background. What we miss, then, are opportunities to talk about the things that are not just about us, as LGBTQ people, but about everyone and the society we live in, and what has to change for our workplaces, schools, and communities to become inclusive.
 
Heterosexism and homophobia are the reason we don't come out, that LGBTQ youth suicide rates are higher, and that depression is an issue in our communities.  We need to talk about what these look like (particularly heterosexism, since it is systemic and insiduous, and hard to detect if you are not impacted by it) and how to eliminate them. Coming out stories can provide a context to explain the intricacies of heterosexism and homophobia, but usually we stop at the story, and don't go far enough to accomplish this.

Creating LGBTQ inclusive and safe spaces is important. Lesbians, gay men, bisexual individuals and transgender individuals benefit: less stress, more engagement, more productivity, more belonging.  Our straight allies benefit: the opportunity to see different perspectives. Compnaies benefit: broader ideas, greater reach to communities. But to create these spaces and reap these benefits we have to ask the hard questions, talk about the tough realities, and work together to create awareness and change. Stories are not enough.


© Annemarie Shrouder 2010
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So Ken Mehlman has come out. 

It's not shocking to me to find out that someone who has been backing right wing views against all things gay actually is gay.

Homophobia is alive and well in our societies and internalized homophobia is no exception.

I'm sure the question has arisen in many minds "how could he be part of the RNC and their agenda as a gay man?" and this is what I'd like to talk about today.
  
Because I'm sure a lot of people don't get it.
  
Coming out publicly is the only part of this process that is seen - because it involves other people. Coming out as a public figure is probably many times more stressful. But before someone who is lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender comes out to the people they know and love (and in this case, the world..) they first have to come out to themselves.
And that - in a society that still tells us it's wrong and bad to be gay, in a country like the USA where you can still be fired in some states for being LGB or T, where you have no rights to marry the person you love in most states, and where you can still be imprisoned in some parts of the country for being intimate with that person - is not an easy thing.

Everyone has their own journey Ken Mehlman is quoted as saying. And he is right. The process of realizing, recognizing, and then accepting that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender is different for everyone. But the messages and laws in many countries make this journey much harder than it needs to be.  Even in a country like Canada, with good human rights laws, homophobia and heterosexism continue to shape how (and if) we are seen and acknowledged.

So it is possible to deny that you are gay until the cows come home - if it means the difference between having and losing everything and everyone you know - or even the risk of that. It is possible to try to convince yourself you are straight, because it would be so much easier. And we can cultivate the art of pretending we are okay with a life that is not really ours.  Because the alternative seems worse - and sometimes is. And when we do this, we choose roles that fit the role we have chosen. If not to prove to others we are not gay, then to bolster our hope that it could be true.

Internalized homophobia is painful. It means you cannot love yourself, because you don't like who you are. Of course you would want to be someone else under those circumstances. if only because of the erroneous belief that you will feel better.

Ken Mehlman's journey is his. I have no idea what it was like. But I can imagine the torture of denying who you are, and of supporting a cause that continued to drill it into your head that who "those people" are (who you are) is fundamentally flawed.

It's no shock to me that Mehlman also said that he is happier and wishes he had done it sooner.

© Annemarie Shrouder 2010
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