Last week I read Toronto Star columnist Rick Salutin’s column (The Ramadan kids go to the cottage). What struck me most about what he writes is how words alone fail us.

He writes about having 2 Muslim children spend a few days at the cottage with his son and himself, and the experience of fasting alongside them since it is Ramadan. He mentions the slower pace and the quiet that settled in after the first day; a sort of meditative state, he says.  And then he goes on to discuss slowing down and the deliberateness it brings with it.

Which got me thinking of how little words tell us without context – except that we often don’t realize this is the case. By having a small experience, he was able, in a few short paragraphs, to connect me with this month in a way I haven’t before. Because of this column, I can connect to the quiet that I experience on a slow walk with my dog, or canoeing or sitting in nature – and I can now feel some of the essence within the month. He wasn’t sharing facts, or just using the word Ramadan to stand for it all, he shared his experience.

As we hurry through life, and the busy-ness and bottom lines of work – how often do we brush aside opportunities to share experiences and stories because there is no time or we think we “get it”.

What opportunities are we missing (and who are we missing) as a result?

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copyright 2011 Annemarie Shrouder
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Two weeks ago, I assisted at a workshop called The Mastery of Self Expression.
One of the main themes of the workshop is connecting with others. At one point, Larry Gilman (the facilitator) spoke about how quickly we look away when we pass people on the street. 

The fact that few people say hello when they pass by each other in a big city like Toronto has always got me. But this was a new idea: to say hello and keep eye contact. This morning I tried it.

It's a grey day, I was returning home with my dog, and a woman was walking towards us. She looked tough, even a little mean (my assumptions), and seemed focused on getting where she was going. But I caught her eyes, said good morning, smiled, and stayed there.

And an amazing thing happened.

In the moment that our eyes met and held, she smiled back and her whole being transformed. The tough, mean exterior I had imagined vanished and for a split second, I saw her; the essence of who she is. It felt amazing.

Eye contact is not a sign of respect everywhere - or in a multicultural city like Toronto, for everyone - but where and when it is, I encourage you to try it. With strangers and colleagues and people you know well. You may be surprised by how little you actually do it. And even more surprised by what happens when you do.

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copyright 2011 Annemarie Shrouder
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I’ve been thinking a lot about “the holidays”. It’s nice to hear more and more people saying “happy holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” (this may change closer to the actual non-orthodox date). I like “happy holidays”  - it’s inclusive of Jewish people who have just finished celebrating Hanukkah, Black people who might be celebrating Kwanzaa, and Muslims who celebrated New Year earlier this month. Which is great. What it doesn’t do, is recognize those who are not celebrating this month. Diwali, for instance, happened in November this year. I doubt we were hearing “happy holidays” then.

So there are two things. The fact that not everyone is celebrating and that, when we get closer to Christmas, “Happy Holidays” often becomes “Merry Christmas”.

To the latter, I note the following: I don’t hear “Happy Eid” or “Happy Hanukkah” or Happy Diwali” expressed to everyone by Muslim, Jewish or Hindu people respectively while they are celebrating. But “Merry Christmas” seems to be sprinkled around liberally. What gives?  You might say it’s because Christmas is part of “Canadian Culture”. But what does that mean? What is now called Canada used to be populated exclusively by First Nations, Aboriginal and Inuit cultures. But Christmas is not from any of these traditions. What still seems to be accepted as Canadian culture is European culture - and for many years (until the 1960’s) immigration policies tried to keep it that way (and in some ways still do). So maybe Christmas was cultural after colonization and before Canada became so multicultural. But now?

Well, the word multicultural says it all, I think. So I think we need to start examining the assumptions we make about the Christmas celebrations.

Let me be clear – I’m not vetoing Christmas, suggesting it not be celebrated, or that people shouldn’t be merry about it. Not at all. I love Christmas! Plus the commercialism alone is hard to escape. But I think in an increasingly multicultural country (with people celebrating many different traditions) the lovely gesture of wishing everyone a “Merry Christmas” is missing the mark, and not recognizing what diversity actually is about.

Not everyone in Canada is celebrating Christmas. “Happy Holidays” addresses that. But what about the people not celebrating at all this month?

Of course I’m not suggesting you try to figure it out (assumptions are never a great way to go),  take a poll, ask before you offer (how awkward!), or that you quell your holiday joy. Here’s my solution to the conundrum: How about saying “Happy Holidays if you are celebrating”. Wishing someone a happy holiday is a great sentiment, and there is an out if it doesn’t apply. No nosey questions or second guessing required. It’s heartfelt and it’s a recognition of difference. It shows some awareness. If you’re celebrating, you’ll receive it. If you’re not – you’ll receive the acknolwedgment.

Four extra words to help further inclusion. Try it. See what happens. 

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My neighbours Carol and Sandra run a company called Total Defense. They teach self defense to girls and women. Much of these workshops are in high schools.

At the beginning of this school year, in one of the sessions, a Grade 12 student raised her hand just as Carol was introducing the first session and said something like "I'm a lesbian, how does this course pertain to me?".  Of course Carol explained that anyone can be an attacker - men or women - so it's important for everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, culture, etc. to be able to protect themselves. 
   
Three things come up for me in this story, which is why I wanted to share it.
  
1. It was a good question.
2. Thankfully this student is comfortable enough to be out and ask it.
3. Carol didn't miss a beat. 
  
Egale Canada's recent report on Homophobia in Canadian schools suggests that 75% of LGBT students feel safe in at lest one place at school, and hear homophobic comments every day in school. In that kind of environment, this student would likely not have asked her question, and maybe she would have tuned out, figuring it wasn't important for her to learn since she dates girls.
Violence occurs in many forms. While we may typically assume that women should take self defense classes in case they are attacked by a man, it is also possible to be attacked by another woman. Being aware of and challenging assumptions like these helps us to be vigilant.
Sometimes teenagers ask questions just to get a rise out of instructors and teachers.  With anyone else this session could have gone horribly wrong. But Carol is on top of her game. It was a good question. She had a great answer. And talking about it probably gave the students something more to think about. Which is what good instructors do.

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© Annemarie Shrouder 2010
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(c) 2011 Building Equitable Environments